Stephanie’s Big Heart

I grew up in Dallas, Texas as a male with my family and a younger brother. I always felt different ever since I can remember. When I was around 10 years of age, I told my mom I wanted to be a girl and she responded, “you’re not old enough yet.” I resented her for it for a very long time, but I realize today she was protecting me because things where very different back then in 1975. Growing up, I went to Baptist Church and I was a swimmer in High School. I did not drink until the end of my Junior year. I remember going down to South Padre Island and getting drunk the first time on Tequila. I actually didn’t like the taste, but I sure liked the way it made me feel. So, when I went to College in East Texas, I joined a fraternity and started drinking a lot more. Most of the time, I didn’t make it to class because of my excessive partying.

In the fall of 1985, I started going to this popular night club in Dallas called Starck. It was the place to be seen back in the days. I fell in love with it almost immediately because of its upbeat and eclectic atmosphere. I was taken by the men and drag queens which opened up my eyes. That’s when I started cross-dressing. I was also introduced to ecstasy and got intimately involved with one of my fraternity brothers, my first time with a guy. He was mentally abusive and it made things even more confusing because I thought all men were naturally like that.

One day back in 1997, I ran into the same friend who initially introduced me to ecstasy. Ironically, he also introduced me to my first AA meeting. I didn’t want to go when he first told me about it but a year later, I did attend to hear him speak. I wasn’t there for myself but as a favor for a friend. Regardless, it planted a seed in my head. Eventually, I gave AA a try to help control my drinking. I figured if my body is there, my mind will follow. So, in July of 1988 I stopped drinking. During that time, I did not know who I was for the 9 years that I was sober. I quite cross-dressing and I even tried dating women, but my life was dreadfully empty. One of my friends in the program introduced me to a therapist. He did help me figure out my sexuality, to the extend where I felt comfortable enough dressing up as a woman again. One weekend, I went to San Francisco for an AA conference and that’s when I came out to my friends for the first time. 

A few months later, I got into a relationship with an old flame from the clubbing days and I slowly slipped out of AA. The more I saw of him the less I went to meetings. The relationship went on for two years and it was actually quite stable. Only thing, he didn’t like my cross-dressing and again that part of me was missing. So, I kept doing it behind his back. Eventually the truth would come out when we went on vacation to Miami and one of our friends would rat me out. As a result, we ended our relationship. He couldn’t understand why I wanted to be a woman and he preferred being in a relationship with a gay man. So, that was that and we separated. I moved into my own place in the winter of 2000. Shortly after that, I took a job as a Travel Agent. Everyone there was partying so naturally I gravitated towards it again. My mind was telling me drink and do drugs. My therapist on the other hand was against it. Especially, as I started the transition from man to woman. He said, “you’re going to lose everything.” But off course it went from one ear and out of the other. In retrospect, he was right, but I just wanted to escape my mental obsession.