Maree from Bali

In 2013 after a failed marriage, due to my messed-up behavior, I decided I was going to move to Bali. I have tried many times to give up drinking, swearing to myself and my family that it had to stop. I think I knew when I was in my early 20’s that I had a problem, but I was too scared to quit. I thought my life would be over. I naturally managed to find all the alcoholic’s in Ubud, Bali, even though it was known for green juice and yoga. Funny to say. I continued to drink and blackout, which was followed by deep depression and self-loathing. I used to be a weekend “binge” drinker, but in Bali it changed. After a 3-day binge session and after the depression lifted, I was up for another round by Wednesday. Things were getting much worse!

One night I went out to dance salsa. I loved it so much, and I got to dance my ass off with this “delicious” Cuban man. Interestingly enough, I didn’t drink that entire night for some reason and it turned out to be such a blast. I remember going home and thinking what an amazing night. The next day I told my flat mate (roommate) how much fun I had without a drink. She was like, “awesome, that’s great.” The next night however, it was an entirely different story. I decided to go to this nearby hotel to have some wine. A place where a bunch of old alcoholics used to hang out and party. My go-to spot for obvious reasons. I knew I was always welcome there.

I happened to go to a salsa class after that. I didn’t realize its was an intermediate session. Something I haven’t tried yet. So, I decided to have another glass of wine to give me a little encouragement. Needless to say, I ended up leaving. At this point, my desire to drink had kicked in and there was no going back. In my mind I knew I had to stop but the desperation and not feeling good enough was far greater. I proceeded to go into a 7/11, get a bottle of vodka mixer, and drink it outside on the sidewalk. I felt ashamed and a bit like a loser, sitting all alone beside the 7/11 at 5pm.

Saved by the bell, I remembered there was a small gathering in town. I was always going hard, continuously chasing the next drink. At the party I saw a friend who was always up for a good time, but that night she declined to go to the next spot and get wasted. So, off I went on my own as usual, landing at some empty bar with only a few tourists. I told them my normal sob story and they bought me drinks all night. Even they left to go home at some point, once again leaving me to myself, followed by the bar staff kicking me out. And that was the sad truth of my life, driving off drunk on my little scooter while everyone is asleep.

The next evening, I had another conversation with my flat mate. I told her “I went on a bender” and for the first time I uttered the words, “I think I’m an alcoholic.” She was surprised, given the experience I had the night prior to that. Then she suggested I go to the AA roundup convention in Bali, which was ironically going on that weekend. She was also a member of the fellowship and encouraged me to attend. Before I knew it, I booked myself a ticket to the event and dinner. I grabbed a dress, shoved it in a plastic bag and drove off to the hotel. I couldn’t find it for the longest time, and just when I was about to give up and turn around, there it was, right in front of me. I had nowhere to hide! That is the day my life changed forever.  

I went to a couple of speaker meetings and then it was time for the main event and dinner. I sat in a room full of people, for what I know now was the “sobriety countdown.” I had absolutely no idea what they were doing, but I was getting really into celebrating people’s recovery time. I remember thinking how cool that was. I turned around to my flat mate and said, “do you think I should get up at 2 days sober” and she casually said, “up to you babe.” They continued to call each number until they said, “who has 2 days?” and I stood right up. That was the moment I fully surrendered. I call it my Hallelujah moment. 

The tears just kept flooding my eyes, but I suddenly felt an enormous Peace come over me. The Divine spirit entered me in that exact moment and has never left me since. I was the least sober person in the room, but those people made me feel like I was the most special person in the world. I will never forget the love and support I felt that night. What a true miracle that was!