Blessed Dulli

I can tell you I didn’t always feel this optimistic. You see, my reality was once very grim. I grew up a people pleaser to five siblings, my mom and a ruthless stepfather. I lived in a big, picture perfect blue house on Center Street. It sure looked good on the outside but on the inside it was full of chaos, abuse, and things that no 7 year old should be a part of.  Between 7 and 16 years of age, I went through a difficult period that would set the foundation for my chronic alcoholism. I made it through that time by being the kind of daughter who would do anything to make her Daddy happy and keep her Mommy from crying. Towards the end, I watched my older sisters muster the courage to move out and begin their happy lives, while I was left behind. I resented them for leaving and envied them at the same time. My turn came at the age of 16 when a judge ordered me to live with a couple in our neighborhood. But being granted to leave came with a big price. I was forced to open up about ALL the abuse that happened in that house; how the father figure in my life sexually, physically, mentally and emotionally abused me on a daily basis. Telling my story to a judge and my family would be more damaging than anyone could have ever predicted. 

After moving out, I was trying to cope with all that I dealt with. I was still that people pleaser and my tarnished mindset continued to haunt me for a long span of time. I worked and made a good living but nothing would make me feel better. I began to do anything and everything; obtained materialistic things, degrees, friends, and love. But with all that STUFF I still went to bed unhappy and woke up unhappy. Soon no amount of money, things, a job or promotion, could fill up that endless VOID. Then I found something that allowed me just to feel good and that something was “Alcohol.” What started out as a weekend thing, an occasional thing, a promotion or a raise, turned into an everyday, all-day affair. So when I read; alcohol is cunning, baffling, and powerful, I was able to relate instantaneously.  At one point when I worked for the YMCA in New Jersey, I came up with this brilliant plan; to transfer to a job in another state within the same organization. I figured my drinking habits and destructive behavior would be different there. This geographical solution, sort to speak, took me from Boston, back to New Jersey, then Hawaii and finally Rhode Island. But no matter where I moved, my DRINKING and character defects followed. Funny how that works!

After being let go by the organization that I worked for over 14 years, I set out for a new career path. I thought it was everyone else’s fault that I was drinking this much. So, I bounced around from job to job. I would hold my employer, boyfriend, and my family hostage with my destructive behavior. Then one day (what seemed over a period of months) my family wouldn’t answer the phone, my jobs diminished into thin air, and my boyfriend had enough of me. This should have been the first clue to look at myself in the mirror, but like any other good alcoholic I stayed in my stubborn ways. And, that my friends, landed me on a park bench in Billerica, Massachusetts. I was alone and no one (and, I mean no one), answered the phone!  One morning my phone miraculously rang. It was a guy named George, and he introduced me to my first friend in Sobriety named Mark, who took me to a meeting in Saugus, Massachusetts. This was the first turning point and my first encounter with the rooms of AA.

Over the next 10 months and 12 days I just didn’t drink, and I went to meetings (although I judged everyone there). My life started up again; I got a teaching job, a house, a car and all the essentials. But, soon after that I had no time for meetings, a sponsor, or working the steps in any manner. To no surprise on the 13th day, I left work one day and drove right into a parking lot of a liquor store. I had no defense over that first drink and certainly not over the 3rd, 4th and so on. The next 7 months were nothing but sheer insanity, incomprehensible and complete demoralization. You see, my alcoholism never actually left the building. It was just patiently waiting for me to have my guard down. I ended up drinking myself out of a house, a job, family and friends.  On February 16, 2018 I tried to finish my last beer and passed out stone cold!