After 2 more failed marriages I finally found my Mr. Right. Unfortunately, my behavior still didn’t change, but this time I was dying inside. I had no soul, morals or life left in me. It was consumed by alcohol and the obsession for drinking. I didn’t think anything was wrong because I still had my job of 29 years, didn’t lose my home, and never got arrested. Plus, I could go sometimes 3 or 4 days without a drink, so how could I possibly be an alcoholic? 

Everything I did compromised my life though, and that of my children’s. I drove them drunk all the time. I took them to dealer’s parties and thought because they were with me I was a great mom. They used to beg me to stay home but none of that mattered. I was always justifying my drinking; I get up to go to the gym at 5am, no alcoholic could do that! I didn’t realize half the time I was still drunk, sometimes so hungover I thought my heart would stop beating, or I would use drugs to keep me up. In retrospect, I think God was watching over me or I would have been dead.

Until one day, I met this woman at the gym that seemed to have this beautiful light, peace and serenity about her. I was instantly drawn to her and I wanted what she had. After some time, she told me she was in AA and invited me to hear her speak. I kept thinking I wasn’t like her. To prove it, I went and got a bottle of wine after the meeting. I swore I would drink one glass, only to polish it off an hour later. I spent the next 3 years in and out of the rooms. I would drink before and/or after the meetings and not tell anyone. My idea was to be good during the week and get wild and crazy on the weekend. I figured no one would notice or care, but I was lying to myself and that was the worst part of it.

After about 2 1/2 years my dad died. And as usual I went out for drinks, when a sober sister texted me and asked me how I was doing. I just blurted out I was drunk. She asked if I was kidding and I didn’t respond. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to get honest or not. That last drunk lasted an agonizing week and that’s when I finally had enough. I came clean and picked up a white chip. This time around, I decided to dive into this program and be totally transparent.

I managed to stay sober about 5 months, and get my own place again. Well, I’m not sure how long that lasted, but I went back to my life in treatment centers. I’ve heard many times in meetings “rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.” I was sick and tired of the life I had been living, so I committed to thoroughly follow the path on 04/08/2004 and it actually worked for a while. I was able to sustain ten years of sobriety this time around. 

During those ten years, I started college in California and got my degree in Respiratory Therapy. I got married to a wonderful person I had met and felt like I was doing everything right for a successful life. After I finished my exams, I applied for my license in the state of Florida to practice my new profession. Little did I know, that the governor had signed a Bill that would prohibit a person to get their license, if they had a felony within a 10 year span. I thought, all my hard work dissipated into thin air. I was heart broken and grew so tired. It was as if a pin had been pierced into a big inflated balloon.

There was nothing I could do with two felonies on my record for possession of a controlled substance, 9 years prior. I would have to wait another year. So, I proceeded to clean pools for a job, going to meetings, doing service, and still “thoroughly following the path.” After one year, I applied for the license again and this time I got it. I immediately went back to my school for a job placement and to my dismay I found out that the school had closed. Yet again, another blow to my ongoing efforts. I went on to search for a job myself, but after being out of school and not working in the field for a year, an interview was nearly impossible.

So, I settled for a job I didn’t like, going nowhere. From there, my anger started building up. My home life was also less than perfect. Arguments became more frequent and I thought life just wasn’t fair! Around this time pot had become legal in California and I saw it as a dream come true. One day after a big argument with my wife, I thought “the hell with it, I need some relief.” I called a dealer’s number I have kept around, and on 12/31/2014 I went back to using and drinking. I was right back to where I had left off 10 years ago, drinking beer and smoking pot all day long at work.

I thought it would go unnoticed because I drove around by myself cleaning pools, but eventually I got reported for drinking and driving a company truck. They called my office and so, yes, I was fired. I ended up getting another job cleaning pools and using my own truck this time. You can probably guess what happened soon after that …I was driving home one day, drinking beer as usual, and a very “inconsiderate” driver pulled out in front of me causing an accident. The nerve of him, I thought. Little did I know, I would end up getting arrested and being charged with a DUI.

At this point everything has come to a head. I am back in jail, I have no job, and my relationship at home was in the toilet. I really wanted to stop but I didn’t know how. So, I got myself back to the meetings and my old sponsor. That was on 6/16/2019. I bit my upper lip, vowing not to drink over and over again …not drinking, not drinking, not drinking! I began to go to all the meetings I could muster and eventually I got a another job. I started working the steps once again, looking back on my past and where I had gone wrong. 

One of the steps that stood out the most was step 6 “became willing to have all my defects of character removed.” And the big book tells me that, “the root of my problem is selfishness and self-centeredness” I always wanted to be at peace with myself and with the world around me. But how could I, if it was always about me? I discovered that my own selfish concerns were the root cause for my restlessness and irritability. I had to change my perspective and respect the needs of others. I am now learning to live in peace with everyone. I realized it’s better To Be and Let Be, a reminder that we exist for one another, that we can make a difference by helping each other.

In 2013 after a failed marriage, due to my messed-up behavior, I decided I was going to move to Bali. I have tried many times to give up drinking, swearing to myself and my family that it had to stop. I think I knew when I was in my early 20’s that I had a problem, but I was too scared to quit. I thought my life would be over. I naturally managed to find all the alcoholic’s in Ubud, Bali, even though it was known for green juice and yoga. Funny to say. I continued to drink and blackout, which was followed by deep depression and self-loathing. I used to be a weekend “binge” drinker, but in Bali it changed. After a 3-day binge session and after the depression lifted, I was up for another round by Wednesday. Things were getting much worse!

One night I went out to dance salsa. I loved it so much, and I got to dance my ass off with this “delicious” Cuban man. Interestingly enough, I didn’t drink that entire night for some reason and it turned out to be such a blast. I remember going home and thinking what an amazing night. The next day I told my flat mate (roommate) how much fun I had without a drink. She was like, “awesome, that’s great.” The next night however, it was an entirely different story. I decided to go to this nearby hotel to have some wine. A place where a bunch of old alcoholics used to hang out and party. My go-to spot for obvious reasons. I knew I was always welcome there.

I happened to go to a salsa class after that. I didn’t realize its was an intermediate session. Something I haven’t tried yet. So, I decided to have another glass of wine to give me a little encouragement. Needless to say, I ended up leaving. At this point, my desire to drink had kicked in and there was no going back. In my mind I knew I had to stop but the desperation and not feeling good enough was far greater. I proceeded to go into a 7/11, get a bottle of vodka mixer, and drink it outside on the sidewalk. I felt ashamed and a bit like a loser, sitting all alone beside the 7/11 at 5pm.

Saved by the bell, I remembered there was a small gathering in town. I was always going hard, continuously chasing the next drink. At the party I saw a friend who was always up for a good time, but that night she declined to go to the next spot and get wasted. So, off I went on my own as usual, landing at some empty bar with only a few tourists. I told them my normal sob story and they bought me drinks all night. Even they left to go home at some point, once again leaving me to myself, followed by the bar staff kicking me out. And that was the sad truth of my life, driving off drunk on my little scooter while everyone is asleep.

The next evening, I had another conversation with my flat mate. I told her “I went on a bender” and for the first time I uttered the words, “I think I’m an alcoholic.” She was surprised, given the experience I had the night prior to that. Then she suggested I go to the AA roundup convention in Bali, which was ironically going on that weekend. She was also a member of the fellowship and encouraged me to attend. Before I knew it, I booked myself a ticket to the event and dinner. I grabbed a dress, shoved it in a plastic bag and drove off to the hotel. I couldn’t find it for the longest time, and just when I was about to give up and turn around, there it was, right in front of me. I had nowhere to hide! That is the day my life changed forever.  

I went to a couple of speaker meetings and then it was time for the main event and dinner. I sat in a room full of people, for what I know now was the “sobriety countdown.” I had absolutely no idea what they were doing, but I was getting really into celebrating people’s recovery time. I remember thinking how cool that was. I turned around to my flat mate and said, “do you think I should get up at 2 days sober” and she casually said, “up to you babe.” They continued to call each number until they said, “who has 2 days?” and I stood right up. That was the moment I fully surrendered. I call it my Hallelujah moment. 

The tears just kept flooding my eyes, but I suddenly felt an enormous Peace come over me. The Divine spirit entered me in that exact moment and has never left me since. I was the least sober person in the room, but those people made me feel like I was the most special person in the world. I will never forget the love and support I felt that night. What a true miracle that was!

So needless to say, I relapsed and stayed out for about four years, coming in and out of the program. When my best friend/soulmate was killed in a drinking and driving accident, I spiraled out of control and went downhill fast. I also resigned from my career which was my only identity. So, I proceeded to drink every day around the clock for about three months. My life turned into a complete shit show. One morning, I decided to stop and that’s when I had a major seizure. Some random guy that was living with me at the time, called the paramedics and off I went to the hospital.  

Miraculously, I was blessed and actually lived through this experience. I woke up in the hospital with a doctor telling me how lucky I was to be alive. I had to learn how to walk again and control my bodily functions. I needed constant care for a couple months after getting out of the hospital. During that time, I did a lot of praying and I asked God to help me get this program, because my life was absolutely miserable. I was not happy and I lost all hope to live. 

So I asked God, either help me stay sober or please let me die. I truly believe my higher power came through and helped me get this program, but this time I surrendered. I finally realized I am truly powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable. I did the 90 and 90, got a sponsor, did the steps, and service work. I  committed myself to the fellowship entirely and getting to know other sober women by allowing them into my life.